Month: October 2015

I wonder what it would be like…

Jenny1 Comment

I wonder what it would be like to be allowed to feel beautiful.

I wonder what it would be like to be allowed to not feign humility; to not have to believe that we are not wonderful enough to love ourselves.

I wonder what it would be like to feel lovely, and to be allowed to have confidence in how I am loved by the one who matters.

It seems as if everyone’s ideal of me is in me not being me: twenty pounds lighter, four inches longer–curvier with less in the cheeks, more definition of the jaw. It seems as if everyone’s ideal of me was the frail, lithe girl that existed within the confines of her own depression. The me that fought to eat because I fought to understand why I would want to sustain an existence I did not want; a body I no longer wished to house.

It seems as if everyone’s ideal of me turned into my ideal of me; when all I had ever wanted in my life was just to be happy. To be kind. To be understanding. To want to live.

I think the reality is that I would rather be beautiful in the heart and healthy in the soul. To allow myself to no longer worry about if I was beautiful to anyone else except me.

I think the reality is that it’s all unbelievably bullshit: the idea that I am supposed to exist for anyone other than me.

So why

is it so hard to stop?

All we’ve ever been made up of is morning afters.

Jenny1 Comment

I like to think about us a lot.

The way you held me the morning after; how you forgot the night before.

I like to pretend that I’m OK–that I’m better now; that what you were was a burn that scabbed and bled but eventually healed.

I can feel the slow palpitations in my heart when someone says a name that sounds like yours.

They remind me of the ones that once echoed into your chest. The ones you used to touch when they surfaced through each of my ribs. The ones that you cultivated in your hands; with your lips–the ones you bred from inside of everything I had once though was mine.

The ones that still belong to you.

So I wonder now: the parts of me that you took; the me that didn’t return.

I’ve been different. Less lovely, less impressive–less in love. More eager, more helpless, more obsessive–more lost.

I remember San Francisco. I remember New York; LA, Miami, but how it’s Toronto, still, that has the you I can’t forget and the me that I could never find.

If I had done nothing wrong, how could we never be right? Which part of me should be thrown away? Which part of me made everything of me worth forgetting?

I want to tell you there’s been nobody after you. Nobody that mattered. Nobody that felt significant. Nobody that reminds me of the 5am through your eyes. The 6am through your lakeside balcony.

The 7am me in your mouth.

Nobody that feels like you at night
and smells of me in the morning.