Fucking you, from memory alone.

It’s hard for me to write about you. To remember the way you looked at me; to remember the words you wrote to me. To remember how it was all of these that will no longer exist. To remember how it’s all of these that you no longer want.

It’s hard for me to find the right combination of words to describe you. To describe me, when I was with you. My English teacher told me it’s because I have to wait for the blood to dry before the ink will take.

Otherwise it’s messy, emotional. Unfocused. Like us, that night.

Like me: after you.

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The story of how I learned of what I was.

When I was young, my mother taught me that she was better on tequila. Now that I’m a little older, I’ve discovered I run on wine.

I used to like to do everything with an equal level of mediocrity, to make sure that everything I did had breathed a level of inadequacy. Because you are born being told what you are, and raised to believe it is all you are. What they don’t tell you is that it’s no longer about what you are.

It’s about what you become.

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Asked and answered: the July short version.

How is it like being a hot grill on the internet? People say you are pretty and stuff all the time

I’ve been on the internet since I was four. After awhile, you realize the opinions and facades of humanity you see online are all just runners in a very special Olympics. None of it actually matters. In the real world, I’m just an average asian girl and learning to be OK with that (my mom just kind of isn’t).

So I have a crush on a supervisor at work, but she has a boyfriend who also works at the same place. Is it worth it to try and pursue her despite her having a man or should I forget about her?

People hold a very high value to being able to make their own decisions. If you like someone, and respect them as a human being, you should also respect the decisions they make independently of you. She chose to be in a relationship, and who to be in a relationship with.

I think the more important question, really, is why you have no respect for people and their relationships.

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My favorite mistake.

I keep rereading all of my old drafts, wondering when it was that I was happiest or saddest, when it was that I actually felt something.

I can’t write like I used to, because my thoughts are preoccupied repeating the last moments of you there.

The problem with art and writing is that it’s born from a level of intelligence, but it’s all colored by emotion. By feeling: by the way you make me tremble at two in the morning, by the way you make me break at two in the afternoon.

It’s been weeks, and I know I can make it seconds if I picked up the phone. If I can do you from more than memory alone.

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Thirteen things I wish I was taught, instead of having to learn.

  1. The mistakes you make are more inconsequential the younger you are. Fuck up when it doesn’t matter, so you’ll know the feeling.
  2. All the people in your life eventually leave. It’s okay to be sad when they do, because when they ask to come back–you are allowed to say no.
  3. A person’s future choices will never invalidate your past memories.
  4. Anybody worth begging to stay, will not need to be begged. The importance of the people in your life are determined by their own volition to be in it, not yours.
  5. You can be right, but still be wrong. People’s emotions are more important than your own pride.
  6. Sometimes loving someone will mean not being with them.
  7. Sometimes someone being with you doesn’t mean they love you.
  8. People and relationships should add to either your well-being, your intellect or your happiness. The second this statement is no longer true, is the second you need to reevaluate the company you keep.
  9. Never do anything you wouldn’t be able to tell anyone of in your life. If you can’t find one person you trust enough to understand, it’s probably a shitty idea.
  10. There is nothing of yourself that you could give, and still not keep.
  11. Pretty is subjective, intelligence will never be.
  12. There is no one in this world that you will ever need more than yourself.
  13. You are the only person who can tell you the type of person you are, and the only person who can ever control the type of person you will ever become.

Good in bed.

I used to wonder if I was good in bed. I used to wonder how to be good in bed.

It’s obsessive. The way they show fucking in movies: excessive, in twenty-second bursts and flashes of skin. The way they show fucking in pornography: rapid, in long minutes and forgettable looks, personalities, noises.

It’s weird: fucking, in real life. It’s this dance that both of you don’t understand because it didn’t exist before either of you came together. It’s not a waltz, a tango, or some oddly distinctive, gritty club dancing. It’s your body meeting another, making something that has never been before.

What they don’t tell you is that all of it is right–slow and quick and the speeds inbetween.

I used to wonder what I would have to fuck like to keep you. What the girls before me had to do wrong to lose you; what the girls after me will have to do right to keep you.

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Last night on repeat.

I like the way you’re clean shaven. I like that you weren’t when we met. I like that I didn’t ask. I like that your eyes are a Siberian blue; that Alberta means this will be explicitly finite.

I don’t know what I’m looking for anymore. I tell everyone that all I’m after is a forever, but if that were true I wouldn’t be chasing men whose only answer is never.

I fell in love once: slowly. Ridiculously. Obsessively.

Now I just fall in love always. Quick, surreptitiously, and with momentum.

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Friday things.

It’s funny how synapses work–the way our mind draws connections to memories; how the olfactory triggers the me even my mind cannot remember, the way the back of my tongue has become a gustatory repository for everything that once tasted of you and everything tasted with you.

10. 24. 305. My mind doesn’t understand numbers. It doesn’t create the relations that most people make. I can no longer recite timetables, carry things properly in my mind or subtract as quickly as everyone else. I can’t visualize the ones, the twos or the threes or the fours. And that’s always been where I overcompensated–why my words are my counting, why my entirety is only a literary compilation. Why I can recite the theorems, but cannot reconstruct the formulas.

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Fucking in retrospect.

I could write you about all the things I like about sex–reiterate erotica I slipped my hands under the covers with when I was twelve on thirteen; recall all the men I once had only in mind, and then the men I once had eventually inbetween sheets.

I could paint pictures of positions and types–match fabric swatches to the silk and corduroy of skin and hair; talk about how the electricity vibrates through the core of my being, paint pictures of how my emotions are magnified and my body enlightened.

I could show you how I watched my features set on fire; how my body became mine–but captivating and recited like a movie that could only be watched once, and never owned.

People tell me that fucking is vague, shallow and meaningless. People tell me that fucking is a loveless act.

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