Why don’t you write more? Everybody always asks me the same question over and over and once more for good measure and once again when they’ve remembered how long it’s been since they’ve asked it last. It’s flattering and kind. It’s sweet, with undertones of wanting, complementary, but naturally so and not forced so–all of the things I’ve ever wanted anybody to say about me. To feel about me.
It’s hard to write this because I don’t really want to, but there is a deep, high-pitched voice in the back of my head that tells me I need to.
There is nothing more unreliable than memory, and nothing more valuable. We are a compilation of stories constantly crafted and rewritten by the second. Walking, unstable machines plagued with the consequences of emotion.
Every person has multiple versions of themselves: our own personalities are split into multiple directors commanding the narratives of who we actually are, who we want to be, and who we believe we are.
Some men are going to look at you and wonder about the others before him. Some people will look at you and summarize the entirety of who you are to the people who’ve touched you, kissed you, fucked you.
I grew up surrounded with the idea that the more of me I shared, the less of me there was left. That I was some kind of pie or cake or confectionary made for consumption. A math problem about how many pieces I could be cut into before there was nothing.
I missed this: the intensity, the fire, the first.
How a first kiss is compared to the last. How the last is never last until it’s too late.
I want to do a book. I want to do more.
I want to finally be able to be open, and aggressive about chasing this pipe dream–or at least allowing myself full exploration of it.
I will still write here, but it will no longer be all of my writing…
Come join me? https://www.patreon.com/alittlejenny
This year I don’t want a long list of superficial goals. Idealistic thoughts about having things that don’t really matter or a body I’ve been told to need. This year I want to commit to being good to my soul. To curate happiness in my bones.
I don’t want anything more than to journey to understand that I am all I will ever need.
My brother asks me when it happened. When I knew.
It was the first night without you, after the first night with you.
It was when you fell asleep texting me, and I couldn’t help but write you a 6 paragraph monologue of all the the things I adored about you. Of all the things I couldn’t handle you not hearing.
Everyone has a predisposition for an art; everyone’s heart becomes geared towards a medium they scribe their remaining emotions in.
The second I wrote for you; the second I had a need to write for you–was the second I knew the decision to stay, the want to be yours, was irrevocable.
To the person I’ll love next:
Thrillers make me anxious. Horrors make me terrified.
I overly empathize with fictional characters. I will cry in almost every movie we watch.
Father/Daughter scenarios will always be especially hard.